Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2018/12/02 under Kids

God,

Here is the first question from Workaholics Anonymous' Step One portion of the book (The Workaholics Anonymous Book of Recovery)

How has work stress and excess work and//or work avoidance affected my health?

-In my addiction to risk taking I have lost any sense of rest. My entire existence has been plagued by getting more of what my brain craves. Dope, dopamine, oxytocin etc. (ultimately these words mean nothing to me but we as a species have decided that they denote a chemical process that takes place in the brain and can lead to feelings of euphoria, peace, bliss and a sense of false serentiy and long term gratification or PIG (Problems with instant gratification). Since I graduated Elementary school and moved onto Middle school I became very distant from doing the work of school. There were women, girls, parties etc. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to belong and I wanted to be accepted unconditionally. I became obsessed with an image, I tried to emulate those I idolized (unconsciously and not unconsciously) I became a dare devilishness because it created a communal liminoid experience(s) that I so much craved without knowing. Seeing figures on TV doing the things I wanted to do and finally finding a means to be doing them was a huge shift in consciousness for me. And I loved it so much. But it didn't satisfy me for as long as I would've like it to and I slowly started sacrificing more and more to keep it going. (What happened?) My friends left to high school and I felt like I didn't really have anyone to hang out with. (Tony and Henry were sort of my guides through middle school life and now that they were gone (I in 8th and they in 9th grade high school) it was sort of pointless my being there. I just wanted to be with my buddies. Buddies I'd never had a closeness with in elementary and I no longer felt so cool or popular even though everyone saw me as this. So I started ditching, drinking, smoking, so forth, outside of school. And one day got caught by Mr. Suzuki to the principal and had a meeting. And after enough times of acting out I begged M. to let me go to independent studies like Sister Beth had. And I was finally able to because M. couldn't risk having to leave work everyday to come pick me up find me and bring me back to school, so forth. She and Saul really hated me it felt becausse I wouldn't do anything they wanted me to do, which was basically obey.

So once I went to Independent Studies I got into contact with Penny and Codie who were just then, coincidentally getting into independent studies. I was still in a rock band and wore makeup and things like that. (Everything happened so fast at this time it was all sort of a blur). Penny and I met and so forth and I took on way too much of her baggage without knowing it, being pre-disposed to toxic relationships from M., Dad, and Saul, so forth. We made out the first night, dry humped and sat in Winnie the Pooh, and Son of The Mask (with Jamie Kennedy). Soon after I found out about her cutting and quickly adopted it as a means of bringing her closer to christ so forth. To heal the wounds of the sick and so forth. Sacrificing this part. Before that I'd had a really great and voluptious relationship with my girlfriend Jelly who I'd gotten got sleeping with in her bedroom in the middle of the night by her dad and shamed on the drive home by his anger. I was too afraid to see her again. It was awful?

Penny was kind of the polar oppsite of Jelly and I had to pretend to be happy with her because her suffering was what I was supposed to crave but I was really craving the tortures of the damned. Penny absorbed me almost like a vaccumm and I became more and more proccupied with her. I lost my membership in the band because the band fell apart and I began to spend every split second of my waking moments on Penny for the sake of the Higher Power of Holy Mother Church, so forth. But it was way too taxing for my little adolescent understanding and I got bogged down by how much complexity was stirring inside of me.

Soon after all of these things happened we went to new york to visit my sister and got pregnant there, in the middle of one of my acting out episodes where I was more and more and more plagued by the darkness of Penny and I sstole some pills from shelbys backpack (750 vicodins) and got more shame heaped on me like so much unearthed oil. It was awful!!!!!!!

Almost the worst thing that ever happened. I don't know how long I'd been pilling around that point but I know I told Penny about it. I was stealing them from M. frequently and she didn't know how bad it was getting. I was like cat with catnip. She was just getting angry. So all of these work related activities started to pile up but I wasn't working professionally yet because I was too young. Even when Tyler was born I couldn't work cause I was a measely 13 years old. (I was turning 14 that april 16 (tax day).

What came after was completely, totaly, and utter hell.

I became a stay at home dad at 13. Penny was still working at mcdonalds. And she was having an affair with Kyle Schlaugater who she worked with and who had cause d one of my first girlfriends to break up with me in limo that one time. (Kyle and Ashley Cheraz, so forth. And he was back like the chicken pox or something.)

My entire life now revoleved around Tyler, and my youth seemed to be completely non-existant. I couldn't believe that just from unprotected sex having that this was the consequence but there was something fulfilling in the consequence taking place in me because it felt like reality and I have always craved realities experiences of me.

I did all I could to keep the gimmick of this relationship up but I had utterly failed in that I was a powerless 13 year old boy and who can seriously live up to this standard of fatherhood at 13!?! It's impossible! Yet I got slattered on by all of the members of THE FAMILIAR and even Kevin, the one who bullies me and also pretends to be my friend at the same time.

I couldn't believe what was happening to me. Is this how Christ felt during his crucifixion? Or was it worse?

I tried to keep being what I was supposed to be to other peoples perceptions of me but it didn't work out very well. I kept doing independent studies and had a few episodes of acting out (I might have to take a little break in a minute). I overdosed on ambien and vicodin and xanax and had to be taken to hospital and and said something about throwing penny out the window according to gretchen during my cloud-fog of drugs and I woke up in the emergency and I told the doctor I was trying to do a suicide on myself. I was crying I think. I had a bit of out of body experience here.

They took me to ventura and I kept still trying to find a xanther type figure to connect with but it was implausible. I met someone called Kodi and we exchanged pen names and something else happened. I started reading again. I read Palahniuk in the hospital. I read rant, survivor, and choke. And I was having fun. I tried to start journaling as well, really funky little kid stuff but it was good that words were be papered onto paper.

I stayed for about 4-5 days and the counselor inside said that I could move on. M. even came to the cirle family meeting once and she kept laughing she thought all of it was funny some reason. (for).

Even though it was all so traumatic, I think I'd tried to call Penny from inside, and I don't remember if we did. But I stayed there and it was good that I got to read those books. There was a girl who kept trying every way possible to kill herself and was compulsive about it, another kid who fantasized about killing arabs in iraq so forth, and some others I can't quite remember.

There was a nurse guy who seems a little like eric in my memory. He was nice. (Nice is Good.)

I kept thinking that I could meet someone else even if Penny loved Andrew and not me. I tried to connect with Kodi from the hospital but she was really into ecstacy and hard to connect with. Too outrageous, so forth. And eventually I met Martina. Whom Phils girlfriend allie told me I was liked by. And I didn't think it was possible that anyone could like me again beccause I was damaged goods. I'd already been through some kind of cyclical life process and now I was just waiting to die. The timeline of my existence seems (seemed?) seems really off somehow. (Darklinear solutions?) I am just really grateful that this volcano I've been a part of for so long has calmed down a little. Only because I've given up and kept trying to hit bottom. Like Virginia Woolf, and Marla Singer in Fight Club. The turning point truly was surrendering to INFINITE JEST, and making a commitment to read the entire thing. All 1,079 pages plus footnotes in the back of the book.

Once I did I became willing to attend the AA meetings I was scheduled to by the courts and also putting together the man hours of the unity center volunteering and so forth.

(I have to take a break for a moment at this dividend. This is a lot of processing, even for me.)

Silently Anonymous,

-The Archer

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